Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
