Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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