mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize