oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
