Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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