My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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