can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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