I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
