If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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