we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
NoShamevember. You game?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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