i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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