my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
