dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize