I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
