im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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