Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
