He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
