I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
