she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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