I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
