so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
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