I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
