FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
