Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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