Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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