i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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