I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
