this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
