my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
