im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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