apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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