Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
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