to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
You pole danced in your parka.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
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