I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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