I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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