it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
