Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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