I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
