I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Never underestimate the power of titties
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