Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
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