OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
