I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize