Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
no more duck duck goose at the bar
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
