I'm laying in your front yard are you home
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
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