I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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