Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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