Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
