i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
