I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
