I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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