My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
