just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
