My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
