I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
