dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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