Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize
