Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
