Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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