can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
