were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
You did what with his pubic hair?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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